Before you read this sales letter, please hope you didn’t send it to me. I have not been kind enough to remove or change anything (though I graciously omitted his contact info and name). Here is what’s wrong with it:
1. Hey Sue. Occasionally, I use Hey Name. Except I save it for my good friends and clients I know well enough to know they’ll take it the way I mean it. I don’t know this creep.
2. He says he is “eating the cost for me.” I don’t want him doing anything for me. Ever.
3. Pitiful punctuation, stupid spelling, and ghastly grammar. (Yes, I know this blog isn’t always grammatical. I do it on purpose to keep your attention. The thing is you have to first know rules of grammar to be able to take liberties with them.)
4. OMG! He writes, “Check out the video of me, celebrating New Years on my balcony by myself (LOL) drinking champagne out of a red wine glass…” The loser is on a balcony by himself on New Year’s Eve and can’t even find one champagne glass. I’m not LOL, I’m LAH (laughing at him!).
Here it is…
Hey Sue,
Just following up on last weeks email regarding sending you my new CD – and Happy New Year Present to your Coaching Business to ensure
2010 is the year you start generating passive income from the coaching space.
But because I am eating all of the cost for you… I have made it an extremely limited offer….
For the sceptic in you, yes the internet works for coaches to generate leads, close sales and facilitate the coaching process -
the video will explain how…
Check out the video of me, celebrating New Years on my balcony by myself (LOL) drinking champagne out of a red wine glass, and
explaining how to get your CD shipped to your door here…
You, dear reader, are so much better than this! Please, please don’t dare ever write anything so self-absorbed and ugly to read!
Good stuff to remember when you write:
• Write for the recipient. Love them. Make your message about the reader’s success. (“It’s called Karma baby and it goes around…” Alicia Keys)
• Get their attention in the first line (really, with the subject line) by writing about something that matters to them. (See #1.) Don’t disrespect me by wasting my time recapping the email you sent last week that I also didn’t read.
• Punctuation and spelling matter. You’re losing business if you aren’t paying attention to the details. If you don’t believe me, here is an excerpt from a LinkedIn conversation:
“As a planner, when I get an e-mail or a proposal from a supplier with spelling errors, I can’t help but question how much attention to detail they will pay when they are called upon to service my customer’s program if they can’t even spell check their own e-mail. I recently had a hotel e-mail me for follow up and not only did they have the dates of the program wrong, but there was a typo in their job title!” Lauralee Borrero
What bothers you most about emails you receive? Please tell us here or tweet your response. I’m compiling a list and will post soon.
I find your critique of this email to be both funny and pitiful. It really is a case of the “pot calling the kettle black”.
In the first line you erroneously use the word “sent” rather than “send”. Okay, not a huge deal, typos happen.
However, when you resort to street slang, as in your use of the non-word “disrespect” it strips you of all credibility.
One cannot be “disrespected”. A person can be treated disrespectfully, one can show disrespect to another, however one cannot, by definition, be “disrespected”.
Not to mention your use of “texting shorthand”; “OMG!”, seriously, you’re using this is an article that is supposed to be reflecting your distaste for the unprofessional manner of this mass marketing email?
Normally I wouldn’t even bother pointing this out, but in this case, I felt “the need” to do so, given the overall tone of your “column”. Granted, your criticism of this “salesman’s” pitch is warranted, yet it seems that your grammar and spelling/typos are just as bad, or perhaps even worse, given what you’re ranting about in regard to his “pitch”.
Hi Jesse,
Thank you so much for pointing out my typo. I am so grateful and have already made the correction. I also appreciate your attention to the language I used, including the texting shorthand. I love knowing my rant motivated you to point out how we all can do better.
As you mentioned, the original pitch needed much help. My point is to help sales professionals communicate more powerfully. I want them to know they can’t be successful if they focus more on their product or themselves than they do on their prospect’s success. That also includes paying attention to details that matter to the customer such as spelling and typos (my bad and again, thank you) that distract from the main message.
I used OMG quite purposefully. I was ranting! I matched it with the totally absurd LAH (made-up shorthand).
Disrespect can be found in dictionary.com. Here is their definition:
–noun
1. lack of respect; discourtesy; rudeness.
–verb (used with object)
2. to regard or treat without respect; regard or treat with contempt or rudeness.
Origin:
1605–15;
Once again, thank you for caring. Believe it or not, I’m doing a little happy dance thinking about how much this mattered to you.
Wishing you all the best-
Sue
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Excellent read, I just passed this onto a colleague who was doing a little research on that. And he actually bought me lunch because I found it for him smile So let me rephrase that: Thanks for lunch!
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Hi. Very interesting site. I found it on Yahoo. I will definately recommend it to my friends. Please keep up the great work.
When I first started reading your post I went back to the e-mail I recently sent you…to see how offensive I might have been.
Sue you keep me on my toes. Glad that I discovered your blog.
Kevin
Kevin,
Your email was terrific! Thanks for the smile!
See you in Atlanta at MPI, March 16.
All the best-
Sue
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