Sales Mastery: Are you shooting yourself in the foot?

Before you read this sales letter, please hope you didn’t send it to me. I have not been kind enough to remove or change anything (though I graciously omitted his contact info and name). Here is what’s wrong with it:

1. Hey Sue. Occasionally, I use Hey Name. Except I save it for my good friends and clients I know well enough to know they’ll take it the way I mean it. I don’t know this creep.

2. He says he is “eating the cost for me.” I don’t want him doing anything for me. Ever.

3. Pitiful punctuation, stupid spelling, and ghastly grammar. (Yes, I know this blog isn’t always grammatical. I do it on purpose to keep your attention. The thing is you have to first know rules of grammar to be able to take liberties with them.)

4. OMG!  He writes, “Check out the video of me, celebrating New Years on my balcony by myself (LOL) drinking Oddbins champagne out of a red wine glass…” The loser is on a balcony by himself on New Year’s Eve and can’t even find one champagne glass. I’m not LOL, I’m LAH (laughing at him!).

Here it is…

Hey Sue,

Just following up on last weeks email regarding sending you my new CD – and Happy New Year Present to your Coaching Business to ensure
2010 is the year you start generating passive income from the coaching space.

But because I am eating all of the cost for you… I have made it an extremely limited offer….

For the sceptic in you, yes the internet works for coaches to generate leads, close sales and facilitate the coaching process –

the video will explain how…

Check out the video of me, celebrating New Years on my balcony by myself (LOL) drinking champagne out of a red wine glass, and

explaining how to get your CD shipped to your door here…

You, dear reader, are so much better than this! Please, please don’t dare ever write anything so self-absorbed and ugly to read!

Good stuff to remember when you write:

• Write for the recipient. Love them. Make your message about the reader’s success.  (“It’s called Karma baby and it goes around…” Alicia Keys)

• Get their attention in the first line (really, with the subject line) by writing about something that matters to them. (See #1.) Don’t disrespect me by wasting my time recapping the email you sent last week that I also didn’t read.

• Punctuation and spelling matter.  You’re losing business if you aren’t paying attention to the details. If you don’t believe me, here is an excerpt from a LinkedIn conversation:

“As a planner, when I get an e-mail or a proposal from a supplier with spelling errors, I can’t help but question how much attention to detail they will pay when they are called upon to service my customer’s program if they can’t even spell check their own e-mail. I recently had a hotel e-mail me for follow up and not only did they have the dates of the program wrong, but there was a typo in their job title!”  Lauralee Borrero

What bothers you most about emails you receive? Please tell us here or tweet your response. I’m compiling a list and will post soon.